A little over a year ago, I was speaking at a high school in Texas. After my assembly, a student walked up to me and said, “After listening to you today, I realized I am a really nice person.”
I laughed and told him I thought that was great and was about to move on to engage with other kids waiting in line. Then he stopped me and said, “No, you don’t understand. I realized that I am nice, but I’m not very kind.”
A bit confused, I asked, “What do you mean?” What he said next has stuck with me. “Houston, everyone thinks they are nice, but that is because niceness is easy. It’s reactive. Kindness is way harder. Kindness is proactive. It requires intentional work.”
He paused, tears filling up in his eyes. “Kindness requires work, and I think I have a lot of work to do.” I nodded my head, hugged him, and said, “Yeah man, me too.”
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I think it is easy to confuse Nice and Kind. But the difference between the two is clarifying and motivating. Here’s the problem: everyone thinks they are nice. And, subconsciously, this gives us permission to settle. Nice is unproductive. It doesn’t move the needle forward. It doesn’t shift the status quo.
Why? Nice is easy. It is reactive at its best and self-serving at its worst. If someone is nice to me, I will probably be nice back to them. If I agree with you, I’ll be nice to you. If you drop something, I might pick it up (especially if I know I might get something in return like a thank you or your approval). Nice is easy because it is “I”-oriented. Do I have time? Do I like you? Do I feel like it? Do I have anything to lose?
While 'nice' behavior may manifest as surface-level politeness and agreeability, 'kindness' operates on a higher plane, rooted in empathy, generosity, and genuine care. It requires a higher level of engagement and a commitment to selfless actions that benefit others.
Kindness is proactive.
Kindness isn't merely a fleeting gesture of goodwill; it embodies a deep-seated recognition of the interconnectedness among all people. It goes beyond superficial pleasantries, demanding deliberate acts of empathy and generosity to forge profound connections and foster meaningful relationships.
Kindness isn't just about being agreeable; it's about demonstrating genuine empathy and extending a helping hand, even when it's inconvenient or requires sacrifice. In contrast, niceness often stems from self-serving motives, seeking validation or reciprocity. Niceness may prompt us to act when it's convenient or when we stand to gain something, but kindness motivates us to act from a place of love and compassion, even in the face of adversity or discomfort.
When we examine the motives behind our actions, the distinction between niceness and kindness becomes evident. Niceness often revolves around personal gain or approval, while kindness is driven by a genuine desire to alleviate the emotional pain of others and foster deeper connections.
In a society where niceness is often mistaken for true kindness, it's crucial to recognize the difference and strive to embody the latter. Kindness isn't just a short-term gesture; it lays the foundation for long-term, meaningful relationships and contributes to a more compassionate and empathetic world.
Embracing kindness requires us to transcend our own needs and prioritize the well-being of others. It challenges us to act from a place of genuine empathy and compassion, even when it requires us to step outside our comfort zones or make personal sacrifices.
Nice steps back while Kindness steps up. Nice happens when there is time, Kindness happens because we make time. Nice expects something in return, while Kindness is free from expectation.
Kind people are not just those who do acts of kindness, but those who make kindness a part of their values and engage in kind actions in a meaningful way. To put it simply: Nice people don’t change the world, but Kind people can. So we’ve got work to do!
Here are three things you can do over the next three days to be proactively Kind:
Send an email to a co-worker telling them why you love working with them. Include a gift card for a cup of caffeine.
Send a text to a family or friend who has been patient with you during long hours or busy weeks thanking them for supporting you doing the work that you love.
Pick up the phone and call an old educator in your life. It could be a former teacher, a mentor, or a friend who taught you something meaningful. Tell them you are grateful to them for their wisdom and you’d like to connect sometime soon.
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