A Better Way


Written By: Kay Dodge and Brent Grothe         

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Humility is a tough lesson. As humans, we think we know what to do based upon the fairly arrogant assumption that our minds, our own reason, is all we need to figure things out and find the right answer. Ask any high school kid from where truth comes, and many will claim that it comes from inside themselves. In other words they think they invent, so to speak, their own truth. Many adults agree, including the famous poet Walt Whitman, who wrote, “Re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book. Dismiss whatever insults your own soul.”

Such writing suggests that there is some source of truth within us, that deep within our hearts we know better than our teachers, preachers, and any book we have ever read. To say such things is to dismiss thousands of years of accumulated wisdom which has been passed down in writing, shared experiences, and endless discussions. When we say truth comes from within us, we are really saying that we already know everything we will ever need to know. When we take a step back it becomes clear how our claim to truth isn’t one of knowledge, it’s of our ego. And history has, time and time again, shown us just how foolish and dangerous it is when we let our egos run the show.


Here’s a simple story to illustrate: Brent purchased a brand new truck. Unfortunately, his snug garage could barely fit his beautiful vehicle. The garage door barely closed over the back bumper. The driver’s door couldn’t open all the way without banging into the chest freezer. The basement door opened just far enough to let a person through without hitting the front bumper. The fridge door could open up just enough to wiggle out a gallon of milk before it hit the front tire. The drivers-side door could open with barely enough room for Brent to get inside. The potential for dents and scratches would make any new-car owner shiver.


So, Brent decided to truck-proof his garage. He hung a tennis ball from the ceiling to bump the windshield at just the right place to stop as he pulled straight in to make sure he didn’t hit the front of his truck while still being able to close the door. The corner of the chest freezer was covered with cardboard and duct tape. By the time he was done, the cramped, tiny garage was considerably less of a danger to his truck’s paint job. It took an hour to set it up and, when done, the truck was parked straight and secure. He called his wife Jan out to the garage to see his work, proudly explaining his brilliant solution to the truck-and-garage dilemma. She said, “That’s nice, sweetheart,” and retired back into the house. Brent stayed behind for one more satisfied look before following her into the house.

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A year went by, and Brent continued to park his truck straight in the garage without a single scratch. Yes, it was difficult to get in and out of it, to get the milk out of the fridge, and to get downstairs, but it was worth it. Then, one day, Jan mentioned that she needed to borrow the truck to run a few errands. A couple hours after she returned, Brent went out into the garage to get something from the freezer. What he saw stopped him cold - Jan had parked the truck crooked, at an angle, in the garage! After all his work! Bothered, Brent stalked back to the kitchen to confront Jan as to why she parked the truck crooked.  She looked up from her work and said matter-of-factly, “because it’s easier to get out of.” He paused for a moment and then returned to the garage for a second look.


With the truck parked at an angle, the drivers-side door didn’t even come close to hitting the chest freezer. The basement door swung completely open, as did the fridge door.  All Jan had done was crank the wheel to the right as she came to a stop to create the slight angle. Brent stared for a full minute until he muttered aloud: “Brent, you’re an idiot.” It was so simple. So easy. Park the truck crooked. Wow.

Then it hit him: there was a better way to park the truck. There was a better way to park the truck. He hurried back to Jan and breathlessly explained his realization. “See?” he cried out. “I thought there was only one way to park the truck and that was to park it straight in! It never occurred to me to park the truck crooked because I didn’t think anybody did!” Jan nodded slightly.

“But you parked it crooked! See?” Jan nodded again, but this time with more enthusiasm.

Brent concluded, “We think we know the right answers, we think we have something all figured out, we think we know how things are supposed to be, but we really don’t know much! There’s a better way!”


So what does parking a truck in a garage have to do with humility? Why should we care whether or not Brent can easily access the milk in his fridge? The first answer is because it reminds us how, whether we like to admit it or not, the right answers we claim to find within ourselves actually come from the world around us. Brent didn’t think that parking his truck straight was the right way to do it because his parents parked their cars straight, his friends parked their cars straight, and he had only ever seen cars parked straight in garages. Our environment and past experiences impact us more than we realize. When we talk about from where we get our truth, it’s never a question of whether we find it within ourselves or from some outside source. The real question is from which outside source influence our understanding of the truth. As servant leaders, we must remember and be humbled by this fact - that our answers are not our own.


The second reason we should care is that Brent’s story demonstrates the importance of acknowledging, and fixing, our own mistakes. There are hundreds of different ways to practice servant leadership, and there are plenty of different ways to be a servant leader, yet all servant leaders understand their own limitations and have the humility to ask for help. We can’t come up with the best answers on our own. There is a better way to park the truck and we can’t figure it out by ourselves. When Jan parked the truck at an angle, Brent was humble enough to realize that her solution was better than his and changed his actions accordingly. When we hear things that go against what we have always done, with what we think is the truth, we need to be able to open ourselves up to the possibility - to humble ourselves to the possibility - that there is a better way to park the truck.


About the Authors: Kay Dodge was one of the leadership students Brent Grothe, her leadership advisor, challenged to pursue a life of humble service and has never been the same since. She is passionate about loving people, which is what she considers to be the purpose of life. One day she hopes to master her ego and love others and herself without reservation. She is beyond thankful for the opportunity to write about her passion with her former teacher and current friend.

Brent Grothe spends his days challenging high school kids to consider pursuing lives of deep meaning and purpose rather than ones of shallow happiness. He’s been presenting the suffering and joy of servant leadership for a long time and thinks he’s finally, in a real way, understanding it himself. On a never-ending quest to clearly articulate the slavery of ego versus the freedom of humility, he plans to stay in the classroom as a leadership teacher until someone decides to retire him. He’s been involved with activities and Mt. Adams High School Leadership Camp for 40+ years and he still can’t believe he actually gets to teach life for a living while at the same time being blessed with friendships with the likes of Kay Dodge.

Push Past Obstacles


Written By: John Gaines          

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I remember it like it was yesterday; I was in the process of planning my wedding, remodeling a house that I needed to have ready by my wedding day of September 23, 2017, I was speaking at assemblies all over the Pacific Northwest, and I was preparing to quit my job in corporate America. On top of all of that, I was the primary caregiver for my dad as he battled stage four lung cancer that would eventually take his life three weeks before my wedding. Through this particular season in my life, I realized that obstacles are real, but I also realized that, in life, we would never have to deal with more than what we were created to handle. I've built a business helping students and educators learn how to PUSH (patience, practice, persevere, etc. until something or success happens) past their obstacles. But in this season in life, it felt like every speech was an internal self-conversation that just so happened to take place out loud in front of thousands of people. As a child, I faced a tremendous amount of adversity and obstacles. I was no stranger to hard times, but for some reason through this specific season in life, my perspective on obstacles and how I viewed them changed forever. I learned three critical life lessons that helped me "PUSH past the Obstacles" in front of me. I hope you find these three lessons as beneficial as they were to me.

1.    We can’t always control the obstacles that come, but we can always control our response.

Newton third law of motion captures the essence of life obstacles in a simple yet profound way; for every action, there is always a reaction.  It is, therefore, up to each one of us to “react” appropriately to every emerging obstacle in order to be able to shape our life course (Ravich, 2017). The unpredictability of life in its happening means that we must always be ready for both good and bad if we are to be successful in our endeavors. Understanding this helps us be prepared and adaptive to life challenges, in such a way that does not distract us from our real-life purpose.

2.    Pain may be inevitable but always remember, suffering is optional.

As humans, we cannot choose who or what hurts us. However, we can decide if we are going to let the pain of being hurt dictate the rest of lives (Seligman, 2018). Most people who succumb to pain end up being miserable. I am not saying that we should not hurt nor show that we are hurt; instead, I am saying we should embrace the pain as a reality that allows us to understand ourselves, our students, our friends, and our community better.  

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3.   Staying optimistic and positive in the midst of adversity does not guarantee everything will be okay, but it does mean that YOU will be okay no matter what happens.  

Optimism is a shield that should empower one to see beyond the immediate pain. Just like there are good times, buoyancy allows us to appreciate the bad times as a reality of life and a lesson to help us improve and strive to attain better results in the future (Pritchett, 2014).  

If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. I learned a long time ago that the best preparation for tomorrow's obstacles is to do our best with managing today's obstacles. When, not if, but when you face your next obstacle remember those three critical lessons above, be your best, and most important do everything in your power to PUSH past that obstacle...your school, your students, your family, and your community need you to be GREAT.

References

Pritchett, P. (2014). Hard Optimism: Developing Deep Strengths For Managing Uncertainty, Opportunity, Adversity, And Change.Arkansas: Pritchett, LP.

Ravich, L. (2017). Everlasting Optimism: 9 Principles for Success, Happiness and Powerful Relationships. Abingdon-On-Thames: Routledge Publishing.

Seligman, M. E. P. (2018). The Hope Circuit: A Psychologist's Journey from Helplessness to Optimism. New York: Vintage Books.

Seligman, M. E. P. (2006). Learned Optimism: How To Change Your Mind And Your Life. New York: Vintage Books


About the Author: John Gaines aka “John PUSH Gaines” is a former at-risk foster kid turned youth advocate, author, NCAA champion in football, motivational speaker and is the founder of the PUSH for Dream Leadership Academy. He has shared his inspiring story on television, at universities, nonprofit organizations, youth conferences, NBA skill camps, churches, and schools. He has worked with NBA superstars, Congress, educators, coaches & mental health professionals. You can read more about John on his website at www.johnpushgaines.com or on youtube.com/pushgaines


Dear New Advisor

Written By: Sally Rusk

Mrs. Markov stepped on the conductor box and her students immediately lifted their instruments with precision.  They played beautifully and looked at her with adoration and a hope approval. The next day I complimented her and their performance and she immediately launched into all the mistakes that were made.  The next day her students also highlighted mistakes that my untrained ear could not discern.

As a young advisor, I wanted that.  I wanted that precision and I wanted that adoration.  It’s embarrassing to admit that I wanted that adoration, but I’ve learned to lean into honesty and vulnerability.  Did I ever say, you must be perfect? Of course not, but my subtle message was, now that I’ve taught you how to be a good human, you must be a good human.  ALWAYS. When teachers told me about my leadership students’ mistakes in other classrooms-I came down hard and discussed how they were embarrassing the program when it was really they were embarrassing me.  Unfortunately, it took me years to learn that I was teaching them that perfection was the goal and behave because Ms. Rusk, the moral police was on the lookout for ways that they were messing up. Human beings mess up all the time but my process wasn’t honoring the journey.  I wasn’t someone that they could go to when they were struggling because they were working so hard to please me and be perfect in that process.

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Being a teenager is hard.  It’s messy. Being a teenager in the era of social media and digital communication is even messier and one that I don’t think those of us that grew up excited when we got a landline in our bedroom can even begin to understand. After 9 years of guiding over 250 kids a year through social and emotional learning, I’ve grown tremendously in my approach and in my support of students.

Here’s what I’ve learned. Modeling vulnerability and growth is critical.  I mess up all the time and sometimes in my biggest mistakes, I’ve grown the most but only because I was willing to admit the mistakes and reflect.  Tell your students your mistakes. Model your thought process and be willing to be vulnerable when you’re working through some tough things. I don’t believe I have all the answers and I won’t stand up in front of them and act like I do anymore.  I believe this modeling has allowed students to see this 43-year-old is still growing. I always tell my students that the world is doomed if they’re done growing at 12,13, and 14 years old but I also think it’s doomed if I’m done growing at 43. Every week I put my character goals on the board.  Every week I tell them if I hit my goals or if I drove the struggle bus that week. Some weeks, I drive the struggle bus and they know when I do.

Allowing for growth reduces burnout for you and your students.  I used to make a big deal about how servant leader burnout is real and how we all have to be on the lookout for it.  I realized in a meeting with a former student recently that I don’t really talk about it anymore with students. Now don’t get me wrong, I still get drained in the gauntlet of activities but because the focus is on growth and not perfection, I feel more aligned with my purpose and I believe my students do too.  We write down our WHY every week and model character goals based on our why each week. We talk about how if our goals start to get away from our WHY we may be moving too far out of purpose. Most will agree that when we are rooted in purpose, we feel far more energized and are able to continue the servant leader journey.

An emphasis on growth activates trust with your students.  Trust is key in any relationship and especially when working with teenagers.  They have an almost inherent distrust in adults at this age and we must work to build that trust for them to allow us to speak into their lives.  If students come to us they are not only trusting us to keep things confidential, but they’re trusting us that we won’t condemn them when they are grappling with serious issues in their lives where they need guidance and support rather than judgment.  When students know that you expect mistakes, they’re far more likely to own the mistakes and reflect which we know is critical for growth.

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I had the privilege of seeing so many of my former students I adore play their last home football game at Eastlake High School.  It was senior night and I was honored to cheer on former students on the field, in the band, on the cheer squad and dance team. So many former students came to say and hi with big smiles.  As I drove home, I reflected that I wasn’t particularly looking forward to going but I really wanted to cheer on some of the senior players. At times when I went up to the high school, I wasn’t always greeted with big smiles.  I think so many of them saw and remembered what it felt like being around someone that was far too demanding. But when I had this group as 8th graders, collectively, they were kind of a hot mess. There were many challenging kids in that class and they made many mistakes.  That year, I didn’t have the luxury to demand a perfect symphony from them. I couldn’t conduct and expect the notes to always sound perfect. We struggled, we cried, and we grew. We were messy and we honored that mess in the hopes that we would all keep striving to be our best self even when we fell short.    The most challenging group taught me far more than I taught them. They allowed me to embrace the messy human symphony of teaching leadership.


About the Author: Sally Rusk is a leadership teacher and ASB Advisor at Inglewood Middle School.  She is currently on a planning team to open a brand new middle school in the Redmond area.  Previously she taught in the Edmonds School District and Bellingham School District.  She was the 2018 Washington State Middle Level Advisor of the Year and firmly believes she has the greatest job in the world teaching leadership and helping kids work on developing their best self. 

The 3 Ms of Emotional Regulation

Written By: Barbara Gruener

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As a child, I had no idea how to self-regulate or manage my feelings. At all. During my formative years, I was routinely sent to my room to get over my bad attitude (angry feelings) more than I care to admit. If only someone had explained to me at an earlier age that we all have feelings and that all feelings are okay, that our job isn’t as much to monitor which feeling might choose us as it is how to manage our responses to that feeling, I wouldn’t have had to seclude myself in that sanctuary so often, trapped trying to figure out the key to emotional regulation all by myself.

Since something like emotional literacy is too important to leave to chance, we simply must be intentional about teaching it to our children. But whose job IS that?

If you subscribe to the African proverb that says, “It takes a village to raise a child,” then you know that it actually falls to all of us.

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The first and most powerful way to teach emotional regulation is to model it; consider this Dorothy Law Nolte wisdom, “Children learn what they live.”  Full disclosure: I grew up in the home of a father who got very quiet when his feelings got uncomfortable and a mother who stuffed all of her emotions down until they boiled over like a volcano, spewing lava on everything and everybody in the path. Needless to say, it followed that I was a hot mess when it came to emotions. When we get quiet because of uncomfortable feelings, children learn to handle their conflicted feelings with the silent treatment. Conversely, when we yell at children because we’re angry, guess what those children learn? To deal with their anger by yelling. Additionally, when we beat ourselves up for what we’re feeling, our children learn to berate themselves for what they’re feeling. A much healthier strategy is to stay in the moment with your feelings. Honor them. Appreciate them. Allow yourself to feel them. You could even try thanking the feelings, for choosing you. Resist the urge to judge them as good or bad, positive or negative. Just know that when a feeling chooses you, it’s important to be with that feeling and to respond to it in a healthy way.

Beyond modeling, we need to intentionally teach feelings vocabulary to help students express themselves adequately. Talk through words like angry, mad, sad, glad, happy, scared, afraid, confused, frustrated, embarrassed, hopeful, proud, excited, playful, lonely. Pair feeling words with what a face looks like when it’s experiencing that emotion. Use a mirror to help children see how the feeling is expressed in their eyes, on their foreheads, on their cheeks, on their mouth, on their jaw. Encourage them to observe others, paying special attention to their affect, how they show their feelings. Point out how people might be feeling: “That child is crying; maybe she is feeling scared.” Ask how people might be feeling: “I wonder how the boy who lost his puppy is feeling?” This will open up a conversation to increase emotional literacy while you model empathy and compassion.

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Use picture books like F Is For Feelings, The Cloud, Visiting Feelings, or The Color Monster to heighten feelings awareness and increase emotional literacy.

Once the children know, understand, and embrace their feelings, help them live out these three Ms of emotional regulation:

Monitor them: It’s important that we, young and old alike, stay in touch with our feelings – big and small, easy and hard, comfortable and uncomfortable – and validate them in ourselves and others. We can choose to work with intention to monitor how we’re feeling in every moment, day in and day out. And it helps to know that feelings can change; something that made me happy yesterday might not invoke the same reaction today. It starts with teaching our children about the feelings and pairing the feelings word with how our bodies might respond physically. Anger, for example, might show up as red cheeks, a furrowed brow, clenched fists, an increased heart rate. Encourage students to figure out what the triggers are that might heighten these emotions in them. How can they tell when they’re feeling sad? What has their experience with sadness been? How can they be in the moment with their sad feelings, even though there might be a perception that sad is bad?   

Move through them: As they recognize that a certain feeling is about to choose them, it’s critical that they move through it rather than going around it. A good first step is naming it and claiming it. Try saying it out loud: I feel really sad today. Or I’m starting to feel angry. As soon as they identify the feeling, they’re going to be able to employ their strategies for moving through the emotion. An uncomfortable emotion might pass quickly, but it’s possible that it will linger for a bit, so it’s important to have self-awareness about what it’s going to take to move through it with grit and grace.

Try these suggestions to help children move through their emotions:

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  1. Talk it out. Encourage children to talk through their feelings with a trusted mentor, family member or friend. Listen carefully to what the children are saying as well as what they’re not saying. Behavior often does the talking for our younger learners. Help them understand the feelings behind their actions.

  2. Tap it out. Have you heard about the technique of therapeutic Tapping? Since every feeling begins with a thought, this technique can help unlock those thoughts that keep us stressed, from feeling safe, by helping calm the amygdala.

  3. Strum it out. Music is an incredible outlet for feelings management. Try strumming your worries or hard feelings away on a ukulele or guitar. Or grab something to drum on and beat out some rhythms until you’re back to baseline. Pound it out on a keyboard until your big feelings have melted away. Let these instruments be the therapeutic resource  to calm and comfort you. Prefer listening to music than making it? Relax with the music of Gary Lamb which complements our natural body rhythms.  

  4. Draw it out. Feelings may flow more freely on a blank canvas with the right medium. Invite children to draw their emotions; if their heart is twisted up like a tornado, for example, then they might draw a tornado. Ask them to tell you about the pictures if they’d like, and listen without judgment.

  5. Write it out. Keeping a feelings journal can be a fantastic way to emote. There is no right or wrong thing to write into a journal. If students get stuck, invite them to look for three thankful things and write about that. Remember that feelings literacy includes feelings like happiness, joy, and hope, too.    

  6. Breathe it out. Breathing deeply with intention is a proven way to process big feelings. Using a mantra like inhale comfort, exhale chaos can help. For the littles, pretend you’re smelling a flower and then blowing out their birthday candles. Try Box Breathing or Finger Tracing. As another option, exhale first, then inhale to give Backward Breathing a go. Let the exhales be a bit longer and more forceful than the inhales. Try involving the sense of smell by employing scents that relax, like lavender, eucalyptus, tea tree, and spearmint.

  7. Work it out. Exercise to release negative energy; doing it outdoors provides the added benefit of fresh air. Find a labyrinth, track, or cul-de-sac to move through feelings in a circular venue. Swing. Jump on a trampoline. Run. Swim. Skateboard. Ride a bike. Take a nature walk. Dance. Do whatever fits you physically to helps soothe and calm anxious feelings.  

Manage them: Even though feelings choose us, we still have the power and the responsibility to choose how to respond to and manage them. Gather these resources and teach the skills proactively so that they will be available to children when they’re in the throes of big, overwhelming emotions that are threatening to overtake them. And just like a car needs regular tune-ups, check in periodically to modify any out-of-tune reactions so that you’re able to regulate your emotions for smoother sailing. You’ll be happier, healthier role model when your emotions are in check; our children will naturally follow suit. Thinking back, I wish I’d have had someone explain to me that we are who we are and we do what we do and we feel what we feel because we think what we think, that all emotions begin with a thought. Byron Katie’s Four Questions are super helpful to unlock errant thoughts or beliefs that prompt certain emotions to choose us.

If emotions get too big or uncomfortable to manage without professional help or medication, do not go it alone. Seek out a medical doctor, a professional counselor, or both, to help you regulate and get back on track.


About the Author: Barbara Gruener enjoyed the gift of growing alongside learners from Pre-K through High School for  34 years, first as a Spanish teacher and then as a school counselor. She is the author of The Corner on Character blog and the book What’s Under Your Cape? Her newest passions include hosting her Character Speaks podcast, being a Character Strong teammate, and serving as a mentor and coach.

Action First, Happiness Follows

Written By: Houston Kraft

One of the core beliefs we have at CharacterStrong is that our actions should align first with our beliefs and values instead of just aligning to our emotions. To put differently, sometimes I just don’t feel like being kind...but that doesn’t mean I can’t choose it. Does that make the choice easy? Of course not. But is the choice to be kind possible even when we are feeling frustrated, angry, jealous, exhausted, stressed, or ______? Of course. It is a choice very connected to the social-emotional skill of Emotional Regulation (which, by the way, is closely aligned with long-term fulfillment and financial success in life).

What choices do we make with regards to our Happiness? There is messaging in our culture that would suggest that we can simply “choose to be happy,” but at CharacterStrong we believe that happiness is the result of other choices, not the choice itself.

“In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” ~Brother David Steindl-Rast

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Perhaps a better message to teach ourselves and the young people we serve is this: Happiness is the byproduct of an intentional focus on compassion and gratitude. We don’t find happiness - it finds us when we are doing the hard work to love others and ourselves.

There are two powerful choices we can make every day that will bring more happiness into our lives. The first is to find opportunities to serve others. In giving kindness or working to support people who need help, we often get to experience the gratitude of others. The result of intentional kindness towards others can sometimes create responses like: “Wow, thanks for noticing! These are new shoes!” or “You totally just made my day.” or “I couldn’t of done this by myself - I appreciate your help.” Your actions just created gratitude in someone else. When other people tell share their gratitude for you, we experience the profound happiness of knowing we helped. It’s science!

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The other choice we can make to increase happiness is to practice gratitude ourselves. Writing down what you’re grateful for with consistency, taking a mindful minute in the morning to exercise gratitude for what is right in front of you, or meditating on what you have (instead of focusing on “lack”) are all proven ways to boost your mood. How cool is it that we don’t even need other people around for this one? We can induce happiness simply by practicing internal gratefulness - that’s science, too!

Here is a simple exercise you can do with your students or staff today:

  1. Start with the word Gratitude at the top of your new Happiness Flow Chart.

  2. Draw 2 lines moving downward that connect to the boxes “External” and “Internal”

  3. Have participants help you brainstorm different paths that could be created from each. Talk about how External gratitude is created through acts of kindness or service and how Internal gratitude is created through self-reflection. What can these things look like? Draw a line to a few boxes under each with some of these ideas.

  4. Now, ask participants to describe the potential feelings or outcomes that happen as a result of these actions. Tell them the only word they can’t use is “Happy.” This can be an opportunity to talk about the potentials outcomes that don’t always feel good. For example, you can try to give a compliment to someone and could get laughed at or rejected or ignored! How do we respond in the face of those feelings?

  5. Finally, write Happiness in a big box at the bottom. Have participants direct you to draw lines from whatever outcomes or feelings from the row above might create or feel like happiness.

  6. Use this as a way to discuss that Happiness is not a pursuit itself, but a result of the purposeful, hard work of Gratitude!

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About the Author: Houston Kraft is the co-founder of CharacterStrong - an organization that provides curricula and trainings that help educators more effectively teach the Whole Child and create positive and safe school cultures. He has worked with over 600 schools or events internationally to develop communities of compassion and character. His work has been recognized by the Huffington Post and the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation. He is a speaker, curriculum developer, and kindness advocate.

It Starts with Me...

Written By: Lauren Ambeau

“It’s all about relationships!” I heard myself saying to more than a few teachers last week. As a campus principal at an intermediate school, I truly believe this with all of my being. I firmly believe real learning or growth does not occur without a deep authentic teacher-student relationship. I believe the absence of a strong teacher-student relationship can contribute to student misbehavior, absenteeism, lack of motivation, and disillusionment. I have witnessed the changing of student lives by teachers who recognized the importance of hooking students’ hearts first then their heads. I also recognize just how incredibly challenging establishing an authentic and genuine relationship with each student can be. It’s hard… very hard. Pressures of covering content at a rapid pace, standardized assessment performance, and the tough, hardened exteriors of students are just a few factors making establishing real relationships insurmountable at times.

Here’s the truth… it starts with me. Supporting teachers in connecting with kids at the levels necessary to take huge learning risks daily, starts with me, the campus principal. Too often, the charge placed on teachers of establishing relationships with each student is oversimplified by the administration. If we are not careful, the phrase, “It’s all about relationships”, can become overused and meaningless. It’s our moral imperative as campus leaders to give value, power, and meaning to this phrase.

Here’s how…

1.Model
Teachers will value what they have been given the opportunity to feel. Make it your business as a campus leader to live out this phrase with each and every one of your staff members. If we truly believe the key to unlocking a students’ potential is rooted in a strong teacher-student relationship, then we must also believe the key to supporting a teachers’ continuous growth in an ever-changing industry is relationships with each one of them. Make time to get to know your teachers outside of their content and role on your campus, know their personal children and spouse’s names, their hobbies, and interests outside of the school building. Be clear and passionate about your purpose- to SERVE them, to ensure their success with all students. Celebrate them publicly through “staff spotlights” at meetings, social media, and over announcements. Mail thank you letters to their spouses for all the time they give to the campus. Get out of your office and into their classrooms to honor their hard work with kids and colleagues. Never let a staff member (or students for that matter) walk past you without a greeting ensuring they feel seen, heard, and valued. Never let them doubt that you are in the business of connections.

Students take time at a staff meeting to give “teacher shout outs” to celebrate their teachers who they have deeply connected with this school year!

Students take time to recognize teachers who have changed their lives at our “Let’s Hear It for Our Heroes” Event. This was our welcome for teachers on their first day back to kick off the school year!

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2. Make time
Relationships don’t just happen. They take intentional and thoughtful time built into the day. Teachers need permission to take time to connect with kids outside of their content. Build time into their day to allow them to do this work of fostering deeper relationships with all students. Whether it is creating homeroom or advisory classes dedicated to connecting with kids and fostering positive classroom communities through class meetings/morning meetings to being clear with teachers that it’s always okay to take time to connect or re-connect with kids during class when a relationship shows it needs a little more.

3. Provide tools
Simply telling teachers you value relationships is not enough. Even providing time to do so will not truly empower teachers with the tools they need to reach ALL students. Provide teachers with specific strategies, curriculum, and training needed to engage all students in positive relationships that will allow deeper learning to occur. Too often we, as campus leaders, assume all teachers are comfortable and skilled in building relationships and establishing a positive classroom culture. I agree that most of the teachers I know value relationships, but many will tell you they need help in reaching the toughest of students who come to us with stories that break our hearts. Stories that shut them down at the first sign of adversity or challenge and stories that have created defensive barriers so thick it takes a variety of tools implemented over time to unlock their hearts.

Relationships are complex partnerships requiring high levels of mutual trust. Let’s vow as campus leaders to never allow our actions or words to imply ease in this work of establishing authentic teacher-student relationships. May we always remember… it starts with me. After all, the culture of campuses depends on it!


About the Author: Lauren Ambeau is the principal at Brookside Intermediate in Clear Creek ISD, former elementary school principal, strong advocate for increasing SEL in secondary schools, and passionate about servant leadership. She was the Clear Creek ISD Secondary Principal of the year in 2016-2017 and shares her journey of school transformation in her blog titled Vulnerable Leadership.

Expanding Emotional Vocabularies and Building Empathy

Written by: Houston Kraft

The average student today has as much anxiety as the average psychiatric patient in the 1950’s. In her practical and insightful book Unselfie, Dr. Michele Borba explains that as anxiety goes UP, empathy goes DOWN. And it makes sense: the more stressed or worried I am about what is going on in my life, the harder time I have thinking about what is going on in yours. As a result, empathy has dropped 40% in college students since 2000. Dr. Borba calls this inverse relationship between anxiety and empathy the “Empathy Gap.”

As educators, we must work to fill this Gap! One anecdote to anxiety is the intentional building of relationships and the recognition that “I’m not alone in these feelings.” Here are two practical strategies that can increase emotional awareness and empathy for the students you serve:

 “RULER.”  Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence , ei.yale.edu/ruler

“RULER.” Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, ei.yale.edu/ruler

Where’s Wall-do: Use a space on one wall in your classroom that can be used as a daily or weekly tool for the social and emotional skill of emotional/self-awareness. RULER from Yale’s Center for Emotional Intelligence created this simple chart of 100 emotion words. Most of us, at first glance, only identify with the basic emotions: mad, sad, glad, and “afrad” (afraid, but afrad is a fun way to keep it rhyming).

As students walk in to your room, have them pull from a bucket of clothespins and “check in” by clipping their primary emotion for that day. A simple way to 1) have students practice self-awareness, 2) expand student’s emotional vocabulary, and 3) give you immediate insight into your classes collective emotional state that day. If 60% are clipping the word “anxious,” it may change how you teach that class! It can also give students a moment of collective empathy that they aren’t alone in any of their wide-range of emotions.

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Quadrant Questions: Have students walk to the corner of the room represented by which of the four quadrants of feelings they are in that day (in the image, they are color-coded red, green, yellow, blue - you can choose to do this in another way if you like!) Then, have them pair up with a person from their same quadrant and have them walk through different question levels, starting at Level One. Depending on time and the current social-emotional reality of your classroom, you can bring students from Level One questions up to Level Four - but be sure that you take it slow, making your way through each Level slowly and with multiple questions (even over multiple days). The higher the Level question, the most trust required for it to work as an empathy-building tool!

Repeat the process at another time knowing that their quadrant may change day to day or week to week! Vary the structure by having them partner with someone from a different quadrant as opposed to their same quadrant - there are empathy building opportunities in both situations!

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Empathy is a skill that combines self-reflective emotional awareness and the character practice of asking good questions and listening patiently and respectfully to peoples’ answers. Build these simple activities into the weekly routine of your class to start to fill the Gap between Anxiety and a more Empathetic world.

Download the worksheet here.


References:


About the Author: Houston Kraft is the co-founder of CharacterStrong - an organization that provides curricula and trainings that help educators more effectively teach the Whole Child and create positive and safe school cultures. He has worked with over 600 schools or events internationally to develop communities of compassion and character. His work has been recognized by the Huffington Post and the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation. He is a speaker, curriculum developer, and kindness advocate.


Leadership Lessons From Halloween

Written By: Amy Stapleton

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I was six the first time I remember eagerly waiting for Halloween. Practically hopping from one foot to the next as my mom got the most epic of costumes ready: a purple unicorn. And not just any unicorn — a unicorn with a golden horn and a rainbow mane and tail! I was going to be the best dressed of Ms. Miogan’s first grade classroom.

The holiday arrived and I happily set off to school to show off my magically costumed self — only to find that my bestest buddy was Catwoman, along with three of the most popular girls in the first grade! The class photo shows them front and center with their arms wrapped around each other — and a grumpy purple unicorn in the second row.

Reflecting on this small memory from more than 20 years ago, I find that this day and that experience has taught me so much about being a leader and teaching leadership.

Identity Matters
On Halloween, we can be anyone. And the masks we put on allow us to blend in with a crowd that maybe we never truly belonged to in the first place – such as a group of Catwomen. Leaders need to own who they are, in all aspects of their lives. It is only when all of ourselves — in person, in the classroom, online, at home, at work — match that we are honest with both ourselves and the people around us, but especially those looking to us.

What masks do you wear? How do we show our authentic selves?

Engagement Matters
One of the very best things about Halloween is how engaged people are. You can dress up a little or a lot. You can hand out candy or go trick or treating. You can attend a party or watch scary movies in the dark at home. But everyone participates!

Leaders have the unique opportunity at their schools to be engaged and to engage others. We can engage people in a multitude of ways from simply inviting another person along to help set up an event or asking for whole system feedback to improve yourself or an activity. Or to simply look for the grumpy purple unicorns and invite them in.

Who are our isolated people, just waiting for an invite? What discourages participation? And if we don’t engage, but expect others to, what does that say about us?

Creativity Matters 
For Halloween, I’ve seen everything from people shopping their closets for DIY costumes to creating elaborate designs from duct tape and cardboard. Halloween spurs creativity. As does leadership. When we encourage our students to use their gifts and allow them the freedom to do so, they shine.

Unfortunately, in the age of testing, in the fear of being left out, we’re discouraging the purple unicorns of our leaders due to a variety of reasons.

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In what ways are we killing creativity at our school? How can we encourage creative thinking, processes or problem solving? What traditions might need to be re-examined?

Fun Matters 
Halloween is all about fun! The holiday continues to be so popular among children and adults because it is simply that -- FUN. In the first grade, it was an excuse to get out of our uniforms and do things that were special and different. Now, working in a high school, looking at students and all their stress and pressure to succeed at school, work, extracurricular activities, to fit in…maybe what we all need a little bit more fun.

What is fun about your school? Where do we need more opportunities to play? What opportunities can we create for play?


About the Author: Amy Stapleton is a leadership teacher, Spanish teacher and ASB adviser at Yelm High School and constantly challenges her students (and herself) to serve their school, to find light in dark situations and to light the way for others. In addition to working on Mt Olympus camp staff for AWSL, she is also a CharacterStrong advocate and strives to make education about building relationships and teaching the whole child.

Breaking Educational Norms in Nepal by Putting Students First

Written By: Laura Handy-Nimick

One of the great things about being a teacher and working on Life's Handy Work is that, at times, my day job and non-profit life collide.

This is one of my favorite collisions.

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Greeting others is a norm at my middle school. Upon arriving at school, students are welcomed into the building with music, a "good morning" and a high five. Dawn, our head custodian, has become our chief door greeter, with students joining her to greet their peers as they enter the building. Then, as students enter their classes throughout the day they are greeted by their teachers. These greetings usually entail a high five, kind words, or in the case of my friend Anna's students, a handshake followed by a silly question like, "dinosaurs or dragons?" Greeting students has become part of our daily routine and part of our culture thanks to the whole child emphasis at Sumner-Bonney Lake School District and implementing strategies from CharacterStrong.

Greeting students seem like "small potatoes" when thinking about the gauntlet of challenges schools and teachers face, but the reality is that time spent making students feel valued and welcomed from the moment they enter school establishes a personal connection, conveys a culture of caring, decreases behavioral challenges and increases learning.

Before traveling to Nepal in July, I reached out to Prashana Bista, director of the Chelsea Education Community Center (CECC), to see if there was anything I could do to support their teachers, some of whom are children of Nepal Orphans Home and whom we've had the privilege of supporting during their time in college.  Prashana was eager to put me to work improving learning for the younger children who were coming to CECC for an extra two hours of school after finishing a full day of learning at their primary school. I knew right away that creating consistent, positive and personal connections with their teachers was group zero for increasing engagement.

Last summer I had the privilege of taking a working road trip with Anna (dinosaurs or dragons lady) to a training put on by CharacterStrong, a company that trains teachers on social-emotional teaching and learning. Throughout the weekend Anna and I solidified what we've always believed about teaching and learning; when we value students as unique individuals and ensure their social and emotional safety, we can do amazing things in our classrooms and school communities. I was eager to take their work international and apply it at Chelsea Center.

After spending some time observing, I met with Sumi, a class ten student who was teaching younger children at CECC after she finished school every day. During our meeting, Sumi expressed frustration that her students were disengaged and had poor attitudes about attending her classes. I explained greeting at the door as the first step towards better attitudes. She seemed skeptical but was on board.

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Over the next week Sumi and her students connected each day on their way in the door. She high fived, checked-in and laughed with them as they entered the room and prepared for the next two hours. Their moods shifted and their desire to be there increased with each day she was at the door waiting for them.

A few days in and Sumi and her students were ready for another CharacterStrong strategy. After previewing the day's lesson for students, Sumi took 3-5 minutes to check-in with them by asking about their day. No learning was to take place during this time - just personal connections.

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On the first day, Sumi used the 0-5 finger strategy. Nonverbally, students told her how their day way. She followed up with a quick whip around the room for explanations from every student. Students shared their successes, lamented about how tired they were, and confessed that they were stressed about their homework.

The next day she used the thumbs up, down or neutral strategy, asking them to nonverbally share how school went that day (remember, they are coming to her straight from a six-hour day at their primary school), which was again also followed by a quick whip around the room for an explanation. One boy shared about an experience he had being punished in front of his entire class for not completing his homework while others shared their frustration with the monsoon rains or their nerves about upcoming exams.

Even though we'd never talked about how to reply, Sumi responded with empathy, kindness, and concern. Students felt valued, heard and supported in less than 5 minutes.

Then, the learning began.

Throughout the week I witnessed noticeable changes in Sumi's young students. Students who were responding to external stress by acting out or being unable to focus were focused, openly asking for help, and enjoying their time with Sumi even though it meant more learning at the end of a long school day.

In Nepal taking time to connect with students is not part of the educational culture. Learning is rote, students are meant to be seen and not heard and they are often left behind when they don't learn skills fast enough. The teachers at Chelsea Center, including Sumi, are an exception to these norms. They are kind, compassionate, and eager to think outside the box. With a little help from CharacterStrong they are supporting students in Nepal in ways that make them feel safe and valued while breaking unhealthy and restrictive cultural norms.

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About the Author: Laura is a co-founder of Life's Handy Work, a non-profit supporting orphaned children in Nepal, and a full-time middle school teacher of 15 years. She currently teaches leadership and language arts while also serving as an ASB advisor at Lakeridge Middle School. In addition, she is on the Nepal Orphans Home Board of Advisors, focusing on improving education and teacher training in Nepal. 

Why getting kids to interact intentionally isn’t touchy feely, it’s critically needed.

Written By: John Norlin

For the past 20 years I have been presenting to students, educators, and parent groups on how to create stronger classrooms and schools by teaching strong relationship skills and the principles of servant-leadership. It has been exciting to see the number of educators and schools who are not only buying into this work, but taking ownership of it as well. However, every once in awhile, we will hear from a school that is experiencing resistance because some staff feel that the work of teaching social emotional learning, character development, and relationships skills is too “touchy feely” and they are having trouble getting “buy-in.” This is troubling to me. Let us take a step back, just for a minute, and see what is missing in our society, what is missing from our schools, and specifically what is missing from our students’ lives. More and more educators that we work with are noting that students are struggling significantly with the skills needed to succeed relationally in today’s world. Here are five reasons why teaching relational skills and character development is not “touchy feely.”

#1 - Anxiety is crushing empathy

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I once had the honor of hearing Dr. Tim Elmore speak and was astonished when he shared, “The average teenager today has as much anxiety as the average psychiatric patient in the 1950s.” At first I didn’t believe it, but then I started to think about my experiences the past 15 years in education and how I have seen an increase in anxiety in the students I served. The danger is that when anxiety goes up, empathy goes down. We can put metal detectors and increase police presence in schools to address a problem, but if we don’t put a focus on strengthening relationships and teaching strong character and social emotional skills, we will never get to the root of that problem.

#2 - High Expectations + High Supports = Recipe for Success

Too many times I have heard statements from educators that believe you can’t have both high expectations and high supports at the same time. “I don’t smile until the winter holiday and then I slowly ease up,” as if to say the only way to be successful in teaching is to be really hard on your students and not connect personally for a certain amount of time. “I am best friends with my students,” yet when asked more specific questions you learn that students aren’t necessarily being held accountable or held to high expectations daily, as if to say that it’s only about being positive and fun as an educator.

I still remember being a first year teacher, and during my plan period, a veteran teacher taught in the same classroom I would prep in. I remember a 12th grade student in this psychology class breaking down during a discussion and explaining that she thought she had it great because her mom was her best friend and let her do whatever she wanted. Her mom would let her host parties and even would party with her and her friends at times. The girl explained that it was wonderful until she needed her mom to be her mom. When she needed true support, her mom just wanted to be her friend. I believe the true key to success is to be both tough and tender. Hold students to high expectations and be relentless in your approach, but also get to know your students, connect one-on-one, and give students the opportunity to connect with each other. Create a classroom and school environment where students feel paid attention to and appreciated, but also that you believe in their potential. Don’t be confused, tough love is also relational work! Students will thank you for it, even if they don’t verbalize it to you while in your class.

#3 - Soft Skills are the new Hard Skills

We were introduced to a business community that had come together to talk about the issues they were seeing from students coming to them right out of high school, certificated programs, and/or colleges. They discussed how many of them did not have the basic people and character skills to be successful in their organizations. They often had solid technical skills, but lacked the ability to communicate with team members and customers, self-motivate, actively listen, or be disciplined enough to set deadlines and get work done. These business leaders realized that they were spending millions of dollars collectively teaching adults relational and character skills needed to be successful in their business or organization. They realized that these “soft skills” were the new “hard skills” and were committed to helping bring the work of developing these soft skills to 26 school districts across their area to help curb this problem and ultimately create a better upcoming workforce, community, and world. You can read about it here.

#4 - It’s as much for the adults as it is for the students

CharacterStrong provides educator trainings all over the United States and even abroad. We get to see firsthand the power of working with educators on why they do what they do and practical strategies on how they can infuse character development and social emotional learning into the daily fabric of their classrooms and schools. We have also seen the power of what happens when educators in a school intentionally put a focus on relationships with each other and how that translates into better serving students each day.

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I remember speaking with an educator from a school who had experienced powerful results from intentionally implementing our CharacterStrong curriculum as well as having staff go through our CharacterStrong training. He said, “The work we do as teachers is not easy, but for whatever reason this year it hasn’t felt like work. I actually look forward to coming to work each day!” When asked why he thought that was the case, he said the two things that stood out was 1) having a common language as a staff with the work of teaching character and social emotional learning to all their students, and 2) the focus on building relationships with each other as a staff. These are powerful words in today’s school and classroom.

Many times the term “touchy feely” from a staff member is a result of being uncomfortable teaching something that they aren’t use to teaching. This does not make it any less important to teach, but it does mean that we need to support our teachers and give them opportunities to experience it firsthand and learn how to teach it. With our CharacterStrong curriculum, we were very intentional about having teachers who were actually in the classroom help us be content editors. We knew that the lessons needed to be built by teachers for teachers and easy to implement. You can see some sample lessons here.

#5 - Intelligence without Character is a Dangerous Combination

In the book Character Compass by Scott Seider, he talks about how different schools and districts have approached the work of teaching character development to their students. At the beginning of the book he quotes Howard Gardner, professor of education at Harvard. Dr. Gardner said if you look at the last thirty years in our country there have been many situations where thousands, if not tens of thousands of people, were impacted in a negative way because of a lack of character decision making by people in positions of leadership. Gardner states that negative character decisions were made by our “best and brightest,” and in many cases, Ivy League students. Who needs character development? The answer is everyone! So what are we going to do to make sure that all of our students receive a consistent and viable curriculum, not just for their academics, but also their character and emotional intelligence?

We are interested in hearing about what your school is doing to make the teaching of relational skills and character development relevant and important. Let us know what approaches you are taking. You can learn more about what CharacterStrong is doing to support schools in this area by clicking here.


About the Author: John Norlin is a co-founder of CharacterStrong, a Servant Leadership trainer, and motivational speaker. He was Washington Advisor of the Year, taught 5 leadership classes per semester for 10 years at Sumner High School, and was a Program Administrator for the Whole Child for five years. 

Celebrating Character Day 2018: 8 Days of #CharacterInAction

Written By: The CharacterStrong Team

To celebrate #CharacterDay2018, CharacterStrong is putting #characterinaction! For 8 days, we are working to bring the 8 Essentials (Patience, Kindness, Honesty, Respect, Selflessness, Forgiveness, Humility, and Commitment) to come to life in stories, photos, and videos.

Tag us (@careacter on Twitter and @characterstrong on Instagram) and use the hashtag #characterinaction to win CharacterStrong gear & even registrations to our Educator Trainings!‬

DAY 1 - KINDNESS

Watch as Houston walks the street near where he lives to try some awkward compliments.

DAY 3 - SELFLESSNESS

Houston creates some Selflessness sandwiches to give to new friends.

DAY 5 - PATIENCE

John actually sits still for 20 minutes (which is a supreme exercise of Patience for him!)

DAY 7 - RESPECT

Houston does dining right with this exercise in Respect.

DAY 2 - HONESTY

John gets asked "Truth or Dare" in a really cute way to practice Honesty.

DAY 4 - FORGIVENESS

Lindsay breaks Forgiveness down for us in an exercise of self-care.

DAY 6 - HUMILITY

Watch Houston getting humbled as he asks for help learning a new sport…basketball!

DAY 8 - COMMITMENT

John and Houston make a CharacterStrong commitment to character in action in 2019!

5 Sentences Your Students Need to Hear From You

1. “I think you’d be good at it.”

In close to 20 years of working with a state student leadership program, I can tell you that the line I hear more than any other on why a student decided to step up and have the courage to get involved or run for office is, “I think you’d be good at it.” There is something about this simple, yet powerful statement that causes people to act and push their comfort zones. Maybe it has something to do with meeting the basic human need that all people have, which is to be paid attention to and appreciated.

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Creating a Culture that Cares - A True Tier 1

Written By: John Norlin

School Climate and Safety have become hot topics in education. Along with helping students pass end of course and state assessments, educators now have to face the daily reminder that school safety is a top priority with the growing number of school shootings across the United States. Schools are investing large amounts of money on security measures, training, and school resource officers to ensure that our students are safe and feel secure in what should be a positive place for them to learn each day.

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As schools ramp up their efforts to create safe schools, it is easy to forget that the number one ingredient to create safe schools is to get laser-focused on creating a strong system of universal supports. Response to Intervention (RTI) is a multi-tier approach to supporting students both academically and behaviorally. Tier 1 of this model is considered the key component of tiered instruction and represents the base and what we are doing for all students universally. Usually a school with a strong Tier 1 behavior support system has an intentional system of supports happening from the school-to-student level, which would be things like explicitly taught positive behavior expectations and ways to recognize students for behaving in those positive ways. Catch them doing good instead of always making sure they don’t do wrong! A school with a strong Tier 1 would also have a strong system of support in place from the staff-to-student level - things like a strong focus on training staff on proactive classroom management, intentional relational strategies, and having a school-wide focus on implementing, with fidelity, key messaging and curricula. These are examples of simple (but not always easy!) components that begin to build the foundation for safer school climate and culture.

Sometimes this work feels like another thing on our plate, but at CharacterStrong, we believe THIS IS THE PLATE! If we recognize that this relational work is the foundation of safety, how can we get even more intentional with our tools, systems, and strategies to build these critical relationships? Not just school-to-student and staff-to-student approaches, but what if we also strengthened the student-to-student, students-to-staff, and student-to-community focus in schools? Instead of just focusing on how we can better react to things that might happen at school, what if we could get proactive to truly create safer schools? To do this, we would have to go to work as a staff to build a strong foundation - a rock solid plate - upon which we do all of our other incredible work.

We have developed a 40 Week Staff CharacterDare that provides practical strategies over the course of your year. We know that when we get busy, the abstract relational and culture-building work sometimes unintentionally falls to the bottom of the to-do list! At CharacterStrong, we like to say, “We need to be reminded more than we need to be taught!” So, our CharacterDare is a simple, weekly reminder to keep a disciplined focus on cultivating a culture of character, compassion, and relationships. Along with the staff CharacterDare we have infused into our advisory curriculum student CharacterDares that start each lesson. We believe that students want to do good, they just don’t always know what good looks like. The CharacterDare process meets students right where they are at by providing examples of what strong character looks like each week and dares them to do it. They are not graded on this, they are just asked to face the challenge. Upon returning to the weekly lesson, students start the class with the question, “Truth or Dare?” This process gives every student a voice. If a student did not do the dare they choose “Truth” and share what they think about that CharacterDare. If a student did attempt to do the week’s CharacterDare then they would choose “Dare” and share something they learned about themselves or others in attempting the dare. Following the dare process students would have a lesson on either a character development topic like active listening or a social emotional learning topic like empathy. Many of these dares and lessons provide students opportunities as well as challenges to connect more intentionally with their peers and staff in the school or even family members and or friends. We call it a True Tier One. Here are a few of our favorite strategies to create an intentional culture of connection and, in doing so, create safer schools.

True Tier One

Staff-to-Student

“The Student Becomes The Master”

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Hand each student a notecard and ask them to write down their name and one thing that they could teach you. Use your new-found knowledge intentionally by asking students about what they put on the card, especially with students whom it has been harder to connect with in a positive way.

Staff-to-Staff

“Second Hand Compliment”

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Walk into a colleagues classroom randomly (or intentionally) one day when you aren’t teaching and compliment them in front of their class. Don’t talk to them directly, just talk to their students and let the students know why they have such an amazing educator. Remember that a basic human need that all people have is to be paid attention to and appreciated. We can never go wrong in this area! How powerful is it to brag about your colleague in front of their students? Make it genuine, make it quick, but know that you are not only possibly making someone’s day, but you are also role modeling for students what it looks like to identify good in someone else and have the skill, courage, and vulnerability to tell them about it.

Staff-to-Community

“ET Phone Home”

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Take your class roster(s) and highlight the 3-5 names of students you feel could use some unconditional love and support early on in the year or semester. Pick up the phone and call home either leaving a positive message or telling the parent or guardian how excited you are to have their student in your class and a reason why.

Student to Student

Tier One Character and Social Emotional Development Curriculum

Our Advisory curriculum is designed to be a practical, easy-to-use system to build the social-emotional skills and character traits we want in safe schools. Our lessons span grades 6-12 in a vertically-aligned scope and sequence of over 200 lessons. Combining social emotional learning and character development is critical for engaging instruction at the secondary level and we have seen schools around the country use our Advisory program as the foundation for a True Tier One approach. Why? It creates a common language for staff and students, builds their emotional capacity for community and connection in schools, and gives a space where staff-to-student, student-to-student, student-to-staff, and student-to-community strategies can start to come to life!

If we want safer schools, we must first focus on the plate itself - the relationships in every building that define that building’s climate and culture. When we intentionally build connection, character, and trust, we are setting the stage for emotional and physical safety. When we teach not only academics, but the Whole Child, we are helping to create capable, compassionate young people. Let’s continue to do that incredible and purposeful work, together.


About the Author: John is a co-founder of CharacterStrong, a Servant Leadership trainer, and motivational speaker. He was Washington Advisor of the Year, taught 5 leadership classes per semester for 10 years at Sumner High School, and was a Program Administrator for the Whole Child for five years. 

4 Ways to Improve Staff Morale at School

Written by: John Norlin

In a typical school year, you will pass by all of your staff at one point or another. Some staff you talk with regularly, whereas some colleagues you only see at staff meetings. It’s possible for an entire school year to go by before you realize that you have barely spoken to each other. In education, we can so easily move into silos that work against creating a strong school culture and climate. Silos bring down staff morale!

Phil Boyte has long been someone that I admire for the difference he has made in thousands of schools and in countless students and educators lives over many years. In his insightful and powerful book, School Culture By Design - Building & Sustaining Positive School Culture, he speaks of Educational Silos through an empathetic lens to understand them and move forward to create an ideal school culture by design. Phil talks about “The Silo (Un)Merry-Go-Round” that includes things like isolation and competition, gossip and hostility, confusion and resentment, and lack of integration. Sound familiar? Phil also talks about the fact that, “there is a reason people disengage from the larger whole,” and that, “every silo has a story. Learn it.” You can purchase Phil’s Book on his website by clicking HERE. It is a must read!

Having seen school through the lens of a classroom teacher, student activities advisor, coach, and district administrator, I have seen first hand what Phil speaks about in his book. It was amazing to me how many times it was the staff to staff connection (or lack thereof) that was a driving force behind a positive or negative school climate in our school. While we are working hard to serve the students as best we can with little time, limited resources, and a frantic pace - we need to remember that we make or break each other’s days more than we might realize. What if we were more intentional with creating an environment where staff want to show up everyday because of the relationships and connections we have with each other?

The following ideas come from our 40 Week Staff CharacterDare (included in our CharacterStrong Gym) that schools have access to when using our school-wide character development and social emotional learning curriculum. For more information you can click HERE.

People support what they help to create, so here are four ways to improve staff morale at your school.

1. Staff Lounge Surprise

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Come up with an idea to enhance the staff lounge by bringing some intentional fun. Create trivia table tens, bring in your old ping pong table, or even your Jenga game with a note that says, “Let the battle begin!” It doesn’t have to be elaborate or cost a lot of money, just be intentional and invite people to connect, laugh, and play. On of our favorite, anonymous quotes: “You can learn more about someone in an hour of play than a lifetime of casual conversation.” We may never have hour-long lunches, but we can be the ones to start improving our school climate and culture by bringing some fun to the staff lounge.

2. 60 Second Kindness

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At the end of each day this week, send one email of encouragement and/or gratitude to one member of your staff. Simply send a sentence or two with your positive thoughts and then hit send in less than one minute. The reality is that we are never going to feel like there is enough time, yet if we are intentional in many ways the time is there if we make time for that which is most important. Taking one extra minute before heading out the door to send a simple positive statement to a fellow colleague could go a really long way. How many times do you send an out of the blue compliment or note of encouragement and the person responds with, “How did you know that I needed that?” The fact is that we don’t always know and yet what did it cost...60 seconds or less of intentional kindness.

3. Sneaky Stickies

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Take 5-10 sticky notes and write a short, encouraging message that would inspire, remind, and/or positively challenge any staff member in your school. Put them in random staff mailboxes in the office or staff lounge area or directly on their door. We need to be reminded more than we need to be taught and it is easy to be reminded of the difficult times that we experience during the day. We need to work hard to bring in positive reminders. The work educators do is positive, powerful, and purposeful for creating a better world through our students. Let’s remind each other of that influence and opportunity we have each day.

4. Second Hand Compliment

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Walk into a colleagues classroom randomly (or intentionally) one day when you aren’t teaching and compliment them in front of their class. Don’t talk to them directly, just talk to their students and let the students know why they have such an amazing educator. Remember that a basic human need that all people have is to be paid attention to and appreciated. We can never go wrong in this area! How powerful is it to brag about your colleague in front of their students? Make it genuine, make it quick, but know that you are not only possibly making someone’s day, but you are also role modeling for students what it looks like to identify good in someone else and have the skill, courage, and vulnerability to tell them about it.

I firmly believe that every staff member in a school is an educator. We all teach every day through our interactions with others, how we treat them, how we respond to them, and how we carry ourselves moment to moment. Sometimes we need practical ideas and reminders on what we could do to positively connect with and impact others around us. All members of a school community are responsible for the culture and climate of that community. What are you going to do today to improve the staff morale of your school?


About the Author: John is a co-founder of CharacterStrong, a Servant Leadership trainer, and motivational speaker. He was Washington Advisor of the Year, taught 5 leadership classes per semester for 10 years at Sumner High School, and was a Program Administrator for the Whole Child for five years. 



Research Behind First Impressions and Why They Matter in the Classroom

Written by: John Norlin

Everyone of us can remember a really positive first impression that we have had of someone as well as a really negative or bad first impression that we have had of someone. What made it so positive? What made it so negative? First impressions matter, a lot, yet it is so easy to lose sight of how important our actions are right from the start with those we lead and interact with daily. In education, we have the opportunity everyday to make a positive first impression, not only to start the day, but many times hour to hour with different students coming and going from passing periods. Common sense tells us that first impressions matter because of our own experiences, but research also backs up how important they are.

Do first impressions really matter?

Research shows, in fact, that first impressions have been shown to last for months (Gunaydin, Selcuk, & Zayas, 2017) and impact personal judgments even in the presence of contradictory evidence about the individual. (e.g. Rydell & McConnell, 2006) As educators this matters. As months easily become a large part of a semester and even year with a student. If we don’t get the first impression right, it would be very easy to lose that student from the very beginning of the year. As one of our CharacterStrong presenters and outstanding high school educator Bryan Slater always says, “It is hard for a student to learn from someone that they don’t like.” Right behind that he also says, “It is hard for a student to learn from someone they feel does not like them!” Those statements are so true. The scary thing is that I have known many solid leaders who have a great heart for those they serve, but people think that they are always mad or angry simply because of the non-verbals that they display. So many times these non-verbals are the first impression that colleagues and students see. What would someone see if they approached you for the first time?

How long does it take to make a first impression?

In Eric Wargo’s Association for Psychological Science article titled, How Many Seconds to Make a First Impression? He speaks of a series of experiments by Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov that reveal that it takes only a tenth of a second for someone to form a first impression of a stranger simply from their face. The experiments also showed that longer exposures to someone doesn’t significantly alter those first impressions, however it may boost your confidence in your previous judgements of that person. Given this information, schools would be very wise to take a deep look at reflecting on and committing as a staff to some keystone habits to make a positive first impression with their students, not only at the beginning of the year, but day in and day out. Not only do the first minutes and seconds matter, but tenths of a second. Did you have a warm expression on your face that extended a welcome feel? Did they see you looking to connect? Were you starting to say their name as they approached you or ask their name if you did not. How could you be more intentional with that first tenth of second starting today?

What can teachers do to start intentionally this school year?

At CharacterStrong we have created a 40 Week Staff CharacterDare that schools can use to remind their staff members of different ways that they can infuse strong relational and leadership practices into the daily fabric of their classrooms, hallways, and even the staff lounge. We presented this tool at the National Principals Conference in Chicago in July and many administrators were asking how they could implement this into their schools. You can implement it with your staff by ordering the CharacterStrong Gym and we will also be sharing some out each week to our blog subscribers. Here are two example Staff CharacterDares that could help you start with a solid first impression this year.

Dare One - Names Are Important

 
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To start the year, give each student (or a parent if it is a younger student) a notecard and ask them to write  out their name phonetically and turn it back into you.

Instead of guessing how to say certain names and having some students experience their name said incorrectly, which may happen to them often, get it right the first time by being intentional. Sometimes it is not that the student’s name is even hard to pronounce, but maybe they go by something different than what their name says on the roster. One of my good friends goes by their middle name and I never knew it until I saw his name down on a roster and it wasn’t what I was used to seeing. Remember that names are the beginning of a relationship. What kind of impression does it make when you take that first step that tells them that they matter?

Dare Four - E.T. Phone Home

 
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Take your class roster(s) and highlight the 3-5 names of students you feel could use some unconditional love and support early on in the year or semester. Pick up the phone and call home either leaving a positive message or telling the parent or guardian how excited you are to have their student in your class and a reason why.

Making phone calls can seem like a daunting task, but think about the power of that 3-5 minutes when you flip the script on what someone thinks is coming when they answer to hear the teacher’s name on the other end, and instead of hearing something negative they actually receive a compliment! I still remember the time when a new colleague of mine approached me and said, “You don’t remember me do you? About 7 years ago my daughter was in your 9th grade class and you called me during the school year to compliment me on raising such a wonderful daughter and gave me specific reasons why. When we hung up I cried for thirty minutes straight. My daughter was not the top student in the school, and she also was a student who never got in trouble, she was just right in the middle. Did you know that was the first phone call that I had ever received from a school about my daughter?” I have never forgotten those words. Not only are our positive phone calls home powerful seeds planted for a student who we know might be a bit more difficult during the year, but also for our students who show up every single day, do the work, and then go home and repeat again the next day. Let’s not forget to make time to acknowledge and start the year off on a great first impression with them either.

Best wishes for a great start to the school year!


Resources: 

Gunaydin, G., Selcuk, E., & Zayas, V. (2017). Impressions based on a portrait predict, 1-month later, impressions following a live interaction. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 8, 36–44.

Rydell, R. J., & McConnell, A. R. (2006). Understanding implicit and explicit attitude change: A systems of reasoning analysis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91, 995–1008.


About the Author: John is a co-founder of CharacterStrong, a Servant Leadership trainer, and motivational speaker. He was Washington Advisor of the Year and taught 5 leadership classes per semester for 10 years at Sumner High School and was a Program Administrator for the Whole Child for five years. 

Make Patience Normal

Written By: John Norlin

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At CharacterStrong we focus on teaching what we call the 8 Essentials. These are eight different character traits that include patience, kindness, humility, respect, selflessness, forgiveness, honesty, and commitment. Over the course of the year I will be writing on each of these character traits more in depth. With each post I will breakdown the character trait and provide practical ways in which to make that trait more normal in your life. This week my focus is on patience.

To make patience more normal we need to first understand that it is more than just waiting in line or allowing someone else to talk first. The root of patience is pati, coming from the Latin word patientia, meaning "suffering”. In fact, in Latin, the word pati means to suffer or pain. In a society that pushes the message in Western Culture that it is all about me, it makes sense that patience would be connected with the word suffering. It could easily feel like suffering to intentionally choose against your urge and or impulse for personal gain or attention. In our CharacterStrong curricula, we teach students and educators that patience is head (values), over heart (emotions). This means that anytime that you choose to be the person you want to be and live by your values, over what you feel in a moment, that is patience. We define patience as, “to show self-control or impulse control”. Quoting one of our favorite authors James C. Hunter who wrote an amazing book on servant-leadership titled, The Servant: A simple story about the true essence of leadership, “Patience and self-control are about being consistent and predictable in mood and actions”.

Some key questions to ask yourself connected to patience are:

  1. Are you a safe person?

  2. Are you easy to be with?

  3. Are you approachable?

  4. Can you handle contrary opinion?

  5. Can you handle criticism?

Patience and self-control are both choices and if we are going to develop the habit of patience we must learn to respond from our principles rather than our urges in order for us to be effective as leaders and in our personal relationships. It is interesting how with certain people we can be incredibly patient but with others have a short fuse. Why is that? Do we see them as more important. Either way it shows that patience is a choice.

Here are five ways that we can practice making patience normal in our lives:

  1. Each time you get a text or notification today, wait at least one minute before you check and respond.

  2. During a 24 hour period, each time someone speaks with you, stop what you are doing and give them your full attention.

  3. Intentionally start each day of the next week by choosing to treat the first person you meet with a smile and a positive greeting.

  4. For the next 24 hours each time that you pass through a door, instead of walking through, stop and see if anyone is coming and hold the door open for them.

  5. Intentionally put the focus on others today by asking them questions instead of talking about yourself.

We challenge you to be mindful and aware of your ability to be patient in key situations this week or with different people in your life. Remember, we all need character development, and that often times starts with being more aware of our choices and behaviors and working in small ways to continuously fight the battle between who we know we want to be, and what our emotions and urges pull us to do.


About the Author: John is a co-founder of CharacterStrong, a Servant Leadership trainer, and motivational speaker. He was Washington Advisor of the Year and taught 5 leadership classes per semester for 10 years at Sumner High School and was a Program Administrator for the Whole Child for five years. 

3 Words That Need to Be Taught to Make Your School (and the World) Better

Written by: Houston Kraft

Words are important. I’ve always believed in their ability to change the way we interact the world around us by unlocking a new understanding or perspective that, previous to having language for it, we couldn’t fully comprehend.

Words have the power to ignite change, break hearts, start revolutions, and lift spirits; words have an equal ability to help and to hurt. Words can help clarify - I revel in great words that help deepen my understanding of something that was in my heart, but not yet in my vocabulary.

So, here are 3 words that you MUST share with your students (and staff!) that we believe provide powerful conversations and activities! They come from different religions, cultures, and backgrounds and, when combined, create a rather beautiful recipe for a better world.

  • Muditā (Pāli and Sanskrit: मदिता): Vicarious joy. Pleasure that comes from delighting in other people's well-being. “I’m happy because you are.”

There are two important conversations to have here. The first is about how we define “happiness” and where we find it. One of our favorite educators, Brent Grothe, wrote a beautiful post about the 4 Levels of Happiness here. The second conversation is about how to create joy in others so that you can regularly experience muditā yourself. If you are talking about creating a positive school culture, student leadership, or putting together a Kindness assembly or week - a conversation about muditā is a great foundation to build from. Learn more about the word and its history here.

  • Agapè (agápē, Greek: ἀγάπη): Unconditional, selfless love. Loving others regardless of circumstances. The capacity to choose to love someone even when we don't feel like it.

One of our favorite words at CharacterStrong is agapè. For many students, the whole concept is a huge paradigm shift because 1) they’ve always thought about love as a feeling and 2) they unconsciously allow their feelings to control their actions. A simple exercise to walk students through:

  • Have them fold a 8.5x11 piece of paper into 4 columns

  • Have them list some feelings they experience on an average day in the first column (stressed, excited, anxious, grateful).

  • Have them list how those feelings might have them act in the second column. For example, when I am feeling tired, I sometimes act grouchy or short with my peers or teachers.

  • In the third column, have them articulate choices they could make in spite of those feelings. For example, even though I am feeling excited, I can choose to have self-control in class and pay attention. Even when I am feeling tired, I can choose to exercise Kindness and smile while walking down the halls.

  • In the final column, have them go back through the list and rank which feelings they struggle to overcome the most.

  • Explain that agapè is our ability to choose against even our biggest, most challenging feelings to show up for people with love, compassion, and care even when it’s challenging, inconvenient, or scary.

Agapè is a skill that can be taught. In my recent blog about being Nice versus being Kind, I shared that Kindness is proactive - it is agapè in action! Learn more about agapè here.

  • Ikigai (生き甲斐, pronounced [ikiɡai]): "A reason for being." The source of value in life or the things that make one's life worthwhile.

The word translated to English roughly means "thing that you live for" or "the reason for which you wake up in the morning." Ikigai is personal to every person and, when what we pursue is in alignment with our purpose, it allows people to feel and act at ease (an anecdote to our culture of anxiety!). Angela Duckworth, expert on grit and resilience, says there is a direct correlation between grit and the clarity and depth of one’s purpose. In other words, purpose fuels resilience (and resilience fuels success in and out of school!) Use the following image as a guide for some powerful conversation about purpose, need, and ikigai! Learn more about ikigai and it’s history here.

  Find your Ikigai. Bodetree, Adapted from Francesc Miralles

Find your Ikigai. Bodetree, Adapted from Francesc Miralles

Let’s equip students with a powerful vocabulary of character, compassion, and change. If we want to make ourselves, our school, or the world a better place, we have to be able to define what that looks like first!

What’s your favorite word to teach?

References:


About the Author: Houston Kraft is a professional speaker, leadership consultant, and kindness advocate who speaks to middle schools, high schools, colleges, and businesses across the country. He has spoken to nearly a half a million people nationwide at nearly 500 events and counting.

Creating Ubuntu

Written by: Amy Stapleton

In the summer of 2017, I had the privilege to travel with a group of educators to study the culture, history and meet the people of South Africa.

We, a group of mostly white educators from all across the US, who met each other for the first time on the plane from Amsterdam to Cape Town, were welcomed on our first day in the Bo-Kaap neighborhood of Cape Town by local families. They taught us how to make traditional Cape Malay fare like samosas. The women laughed at our clumsy ways of rolling the dough out and gave us polite and confused looks as we likened the folding method to making paper footballs. That afternoon, over a floury table in a cramped hot kitchen, a group of American and South African strangers laughed together as we tentatively stuffed and folded samosas in slow hesitant steps over this first shared experience, breaking the ice and starting to break down walls.

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This is the idea of Ubuntu which is seamlessly woven into every part of the country, from the cities to the townships to the countryside. There are many different — and not always cohesive — definitions of this feeling, even among the South Africans. But a common thread that can be seen amongst all of them is “humanity to others” and a correlated saying “I am who I am because of others.” Ubuntu values the community above self interest and a sincere warmth towards strangers is infused throughout and respectfully demonstrated. Ubuntu drives community and business relations alike, building diverse partnerships where all parties collaborate and contribute.

And as I looked around the faces of the people in the kitchen that day, my dusty, floury hands covered in sticky chicken curry filling, I realized something. This was what I wanted my classroom to feel like. A place where all parties felt welcome, felt like they were important, where they were contributing and felt like they were known — not just by me but by their peers.

So how to do it? How can we welcome our students with sincere warmth and to foster the feeling of Ubuntu in our classrooms and schools? How can we create the feeling of belonging and accepting community so that all people present are free to be themselves?

  1. Shared experience create bonds. A goofy icebreaker. A fun team building activity. A potluck meal. Students who can engage with each other in meaningful ways start to learn about their peers and see them in new light.
  2. Focus on relationships. Encourage them to use their webby, to introduce themselves to their peers and that names are important, because not only do I know their names, they should know each other’s names to foster the feeling being valued.
  3. Buy in. Taking time to create norms or house rules that every student and staff member will agree to follow in that classroom. Taking a different tack to the conversation such as “what behaviors does a good friend display?” could encourage a fresh perspective to the conversation. By taking this and connecting with the students that normed classroom behaviors could bring everyone on board to recognize the humanity in all would bring the activity full circle back to Ubuntu.
  4. Shared knowledge. Have students recognize the wealth of cultural and interpersonal knowledge in the classroom and foster a place where they are willing to share it. Going beyond “jigsaw” lessons to where students truly are the expert at something that they are passionate about where they can share it and practice cultivating Ubuntu by “hosting” others in their metaphorical kitchens.

About the Author: Amy Stapleton is a leadership teacher, Spanish teacher and ASB adviser at Yelm High School and constantly challenges her students (and herself) to serve their school, to find light in dark situations and to light the way for others. In addition to working on Mt Olympus camp staff for AWSL, she is also a CharacterStrong advocate and strives to make education about building relationships and teaching the whole child.

3 Ways to Practice Living Intentionally

Written by: John Norlin

I believe that we all want to be a part of something purposeful and leave an impact on this world. Some call it making a difference, others call it leaving a legacy, and some call it living a purposeful life. To be able to do this however, we need to focus on other people and learn to meet other's needs, thus leaving them better than we found them each day. This requires us to look beyond ourselves and be intentional when it comes to the choices we make and how we interact with others each day.

 
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In James C. Hunter’s book The Servanthe states Intentions - Actions = Squat. Isn’t that so true? We can have all the positive intentions in the world, but if we don’t actually put them into action it doesn’t amount to much. In fact, we all have fallen short when it comes to aligning our intentions + actions. This is our will and each one of us can strengthen our will the same way we strengthen our physical muscle...by working it out. How have you intentionally worked out your will today?

 
 

When I was in high school my student leadership adviser, Brent Grothe, once told me that the eighteen inches from your head to your heart is the longest journey that you will ever take in your life. At first I did not fully understand what he meant, but as I matured and developed in my own leadership and experience it became more clear. The battle is in the mind. We constantly are being influenced by outside forces in our world that are vying for our attention. Some of these things are true and many of these things are not true. Messages like, “Buy this and you will be popular,” “Wear this and you will be beautiful,” or “You are enough or aren’t enough”. The battle is whether we choose to believe these messages or not. This is the eighteen inches from the head to the heart. We hear and see daily messages all around us and they enter our mind (head). We then choose whether to believe (heart) those messages or not. When we believe that the world does not revolve around us and that we were built to make a difference and leave people better than we found them we can be freed up to be intentional in choosing against the negative messages, thoughts, and lies that prevent us from living intentionally.

 
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Here are three ways that you can practice being more intentional in your life. Over the past twenty years of working with schools and students, organizations and teams, as well as individual leaders working in a variety of different environments, I have found the following to be true regardless of age, experience, or position.

Big Idea: Put your focus on the little things and the big things get better.

#1 - Be Intentional right where you are

I once read an article written by Kenneth V. Lundberg titled, “My Twenty Foot Swath”. The article struck me because it posed a thought that I believe many grapple with in life. What do I as one person do when the world seems to have so many overwhelming problems and I am only person? What kind of difference can I actually make? Well, from what we know about influence a lot more than we sometimes realize. In author King Duncan’s book, The Amazing Law of Influence, he calls it “The Rule of 250”. He shares that if you have just 50 friends, and each of those friends has 50 friends, you have 2,500 friends of friends. If each of these 2,500 has 50 friends, you have 125,000 friends of friends of friends, and, if each of them has 50 friends, you now have 6,000,000 friends of friends of friends of friends. Obviously there would be some overlap, and that number would be slightly smaller, but Duncan reminds us that we did start with just 50. It may be that we are only 6 levels of contact removed from everyone on earth. The Twenty Foot Swath article went on to talk about how the author had gone through a time in his life where the daily morning walk from his car to his office caused him to pass by a grassy area approximately twenty feet wide, next to some tennis courts on a college campus. He would regularly get frustrated by the garbage that was left behind by the athletes and spectators and would call and complain constantly to the university, but nothing would ever happen. Eventually he decided that if change was going to happen, it would need to start with him. So, the journey began to take care of his Twenty Foot Swath. Each day on his way to and from his office, he would pick up as much garbage as he could and throw it away. He was amazed that after taking care of this twenty foot area for a few weeks, one day some new trash and recycling bins were set out where they had never been before. He was amazed at how others started to jump in and help once he stopped complaining and started acting. He later learned that this was a metaphor for his life. When we are intentional about taking care of that which is right in front of us, each day, we do in turn change our world one small bit at a time.

#2 - Be Intentional with one thing, but be consistent

For over a decade I worked daily with high school aged students on improving the climate and culture of our school and community in my classroom. We knew that by focusing on the little things connected to our everyday relationships, that our families, our school, our community, and ultimately our world would improve day-by-day because of the collective influence we had. We also knew that there would be many distractions and obstacles that could prevent us from being intentional to accomplish these little things that make such a big difference. In fact, the first thing that goes away when times are difficult, adverse, and stressful are the little things. We need to be disciplined with our everyday actions to be able to be intentional and act from a strong will and not emotions, which are up and down constantly. The strategy that we used each year was to make a Character Card each week that included a consistent overall character goal for the year, a way that we were going to serve our school (organization) and lastly a way to serve at home that week. Each week the school/organization and home goal changed, but the overall goal always stayed the same. This overall goal is essential for effective leadership and organizational change. Leaders need to be consistent and predictable in mood and action to make a lasting difference. One administrator I worked with for a decade that oversaw the student leadership program that I advised was my accountability partner each week for ten years. Her overall goal was to right five notes of appreciation or encouragement to students and/or staff each week. I always ask, “Do you think she wrote five notes every week?” Of course not, some weeks she wrote less and some weeks she wrote more than five, but the better question is, “Do you think that she wrote more notes over the ten years than she would have if she hadn’t intentionally created a process for aligning her intentions + actions?” How are you going to be consistent in your role as a leader? What kind of accountability system are you going to put in place to make this goal as important as anything else on your "To Do List"?

#3 - Be Intentional with your everyday interactions

In education we teach reading, writing, and math skills amongst many other core subject areas, but what about the relational skills that make emotionally intelligent young people? We know that these “soft skills” are really the new “hard skills”. We know that they are actually higher indicators of success than the academic ones we focus on so heavily in school. Of course these academic skills are incredibly important, don’t get my wrong, but they aren’t the only thing. We need to teach our students how to be intentional with their everyday interactions. The number one way that we are going to teach them is by role modeling these skills ourselves. Two simple examples of how I taught young people to be intentional were to:

1. Ask the second question
2. Stop to open doors

Think about it, there is potential to have so many interactions everyday and walk through so many doors that these are perfect opportunities to practice being intentional! The next time that you greet someone and ask them how they are doing, instead of just moving on, ask a second question. It costs just a few extra seconds but it makes a huge difference in the quality of your connection and practice of being intentional. Each time you pass through a door, just spend an extra couple seconds to check and see if someone is coming behind you and hold the door open for them. This gives you an opportunity to smile, greet someone, or even compliment them. Each time you do this it is practicing living intentionally and thinking of others instead of yourself. What an important habit to create!


About the Author: John is a co-founder of CharacterStrong, a Servant Leadership trainer, and motivational speaker. He was Washington Advisor of the Year and taught 5 leadership classes per semester for 10 years at Sumner High School and was a Program Administrator for the Whole Child for five years. 

Freedom to Choose

Written By: John Norlin

 
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As July approaches each year, the thought of freedom comes to the forefront of my mind. Yes, one could think of the freedoms connected to life liberty and the pursuit of happiness and there is much debate around these topics right now in our country. Many people when they hear the word freedom think of the soldiers that have fought for the freedom to live in a democracy instead of dictatorship. These freedoms are definitely something to not be taken for granted, nor kept for oneself, but instead used to ensure that everyone has the opportunity to live free regardless of belief, race, gender, or political views. When I think of freedom though, one of the first things that comes to mind is our freedom to choose.

As a high school teacher for a decade I taught an elective course called ‘Principles of Leadership’ each day. The class focused on teaching strong character and relationships skills through a servant-leadership model that came from a book called The Servant: A Simple Story about the True Essence of Leadership by James C. Hunter, which changed my life. Mr. Hunter’s servant-leadership model became something that we could hang everything off of. It provided a common language and clarity on how you could build influence in the lives of those around you. It was upside down and countercultural compared to how I was taught leadership growing up and I loved it. It made so much sense to me, yet I couldn’t figure out why more people did not utilize the principles and practices of servant-leadership. Eventually I figured out the reason why.

As I taught students the topic of servant-leadership and continued to practice the principles in my own life, I quickly learned one of the big misconceptions of servant-leadership. Many times when I would choose to put a smile on my face, greet people each morning with positivity, or give an out of the blue compliment, people would tell me later in our relationship that at first they thought I was “fake”. This confused me at first until I started to ask questions and then it made sense. People informed me that they thought I was “fake” because “nobody can be that positive each day”. This was not only false, but sad. Of course someone could be consistent and predictable in mood and action each day if they chose to be. The disappointing part was that so many people, including myself, are controlled by their emotions on more days than we would like to admit, that the belief from many people is that “nobody can act in patience and kindness each day consistently, so it must be fake”. I started thinking of all the times that my feelings controlled how positive or negative my day was and then it made sense to me why a specific part of the servant-leadership course always ranked so high when students would identify the most important things they learned over the semester.

In the servant-leadership model that we taught each semester we would talk about leadership being defined as influence and that the way to build positive influence was through service and sacrifice. The model then talked about the way one serves and sacrifice and that the answer was love. Love? Seriously? Yes, but not the type of love that many of us think of when we hear the word. In fact, we have been totally cheated in the English language, because they only gave us one word for love. I can be holding hands with my wife and walking downtown where we live and look over and see an ice cream shop and say, “I love ice cream” and then ten steps later look over at my wife and say, “I love you too!” Is it the same thing? I hope not, because tomorrow I may not FEEL like I want ice cream, but I still hope I love my wife! So many times we get confused in the English language because the word love is associated with emotions or the FEELING of being in love. The Greeks got it right though. They used multiple words for love.

Storge - Love of Family. Affection.

Philia - Love of Friends. Commonality.

Eros - Romantic Love. Attraction.

Agape - Unconditional. Deliberate Choice.

In each of the first three types of love, feelings are involved, but then there is the last one which is uniquely different. It is an unconditional type of love and a deliberate choice. In a world that says, “I will love you if I feel like it or if it is convenient”. Agape love says, “Actions first, let the feelings follow”.

This is real freedom instead of being controlled daily by your emotions. Real freedom is acting in patience toward others, even when they are really hard to deal with. Real freedom is being kind toward others by paying attention and giving encouragement, even though you don’t feel like you have the time or energy. Real freedom is forgiving others by letting go of resentment towards them because you have the humility to realize that they make mistakes just like you and you are capable of separating the person from the behavior and treating them with respect the next time you see them. Real freedom is not letting your emotions control the mood of your day but instead your attitude, which you can choose each hour and each moment with people you like and people you don’t like. When we intentionally work on choosing to be the person that we want to be when interacting with others, instead of basing our actions on how we feel, we begin to discipline our character, even in times of difficulty and adversity. This is real freedom, this is what it means to be CharacterStrong.


About the Author: John is co-founder of CharacterStrong as well as the Whole Child Program Administrator and Director of Student Leadership for the Sumner School District, a Servant Leadership trainer, and motivational speaker. He was Washington Advisor of the Year and taught 5 leadership classes per semester for 10 years at Sumner High School.